A Slow Return to Normal

I had a great morning.  I woke up early and went to Pilates for the first time since I fell.  When I pulled into the parking lot Tracie and Sally were seconds behind me and we all hugged in the parking lot and it was so nice to know they were as happy to have me back as I was to be back.  At least they were almost as happy because I felt like I could cry with joy.  And although I couldn’t do everything, class was good.  It was so good just to be there doing it, moving my body and not sitting on my couch.  It was the most normal I have felt.

I long for normal.  It is coming back little-by-little, but it is like a dream.  Did I ever stand up in the shower?  Did I ever walk around without thinking about it, without staring at the ground for potential trip points?  Did I clean my entire house without taking a break? Did I ever get dressed or showered or walk across the parking lot faster than this?  Did I really wear all these shoes?  Did I actually run?  It is like an alternate reality.  I am still faced with things I can’t do on a daily basis. Things I used to do without thinking about it.  I worry that I’ll never return to full “normal.”

Truthfully, I have progressed a lot.  I am driving.  I am walking around more and more every day.  I am showering and dressing all on my own.  I am grateful for the amount of recovery I’ve achieved and I am much more compassionate for others with similar issues.  And I am trying every day to stay focussed on the positive, but damn if that isn’t hard to do sometimes.

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